The fact that you are suspicious in the first place raises its own red flag. The typical clues could be a change in how your spouse spends his time, how they use their cell phone and unexplained purchases on the credit card. A decrease in love-making, a change in their over-all behavior, meaning, are they more tense, anxious or evasive. A sudden need to work longer hours needs to be looked at. Wanting space, saying they don’t know if they were *ever* in love with you to start with. These kind of changes would invite no less than a heart-to-heart talk.
Instead of looking through their wallet, cell phone and computer history, the best thing to do if you have suspicions is to simply ask. You can discuss your wonderings and be open and honest about your feelings and concerns.
You need to give some thought to what you would do if they answer “Yes”. Are you ready to end the marriage if your spouse has had an affair? Are you willing to work through this deep hurt with a professional counselor? Are they willing to give up the affair? Many people are relieved when the secret is over. The hiding takes a lot of effort.
The important thing to remember is that most marriages can survive an affair if given the right kind of support and the spouse who is having the affair is willing to end it completely. The second most important thing is to take a look at your overall relationship. Are you two meeting each other’s deepest needs? Is someone being love starved?
Because 85% of the couples who come to us are dealing with infidelity issues, we need to look at what was not working in the marriage before the affair. At Reclaim Marriage Intensives, we have a specific “Road to Recovery” to help the offending spouse learn how to regain their spouse’s trust, and a “Road to Recovery” for the betrayed spouse. Many a betrayed spouse feel it’s unfair for *them* to have to do anything at all to help the marriage heal — after all *they* did nothing wrong! If both spouses want to heal the marriage — both will have to roll up their sleeves … unfair as it may be.
Either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to all the questions above requires talking with your spouse. Secrets are not helpful in any relationship, especially marriage.